Role Models, Heroes, and the Women I Love

[viciouswishes]

Most days, I'm a loner. I'm the critic in the corner with my clipboard dissecting what someone else has done whether it's writing, art, or frankly, not setting me on fire. Blunt and sometimes cruel things come out of my mouth because I don't roll them in cinnamon and sugar. You see, I'm allergic to both.

One thing I cannot and will not stand for is the women I love and care about putting themselves down. We all *know* that we shouldn't look like the women on magazine covers. We all *know* that we're better than the boys or girls that break our hearts. We all *know* that we can write better papers than the last one with the not-so-great grade on it or that our bosses would be lost without us. We all *know* that we look hot in that one dress. We all *know* that we're great women, people, friends, daughters, mothers, sisters, aunts, doctors, students, homemakers, grandmothers, sales assistants, secretaries, teachers, lawyers, writers, and future presidents. We all *know* that we can have our dreams.

But sometimes life kicks hard and things get sidetracked. I would've gotten back on my pony Crisco when he bucked me off if my parents hadn't sold him. I would've known how to drive stick if my driving teacher would've just let me use his car. I would've been a computer science major if the introduction class had been aimed at true Java beginners.

As my grandmother is fond of saying: No Excuses.

I'm glad that I didn't become a horse girl and had a zillion rabbits instead. I'm glad that I'm a creative writing major with a studio art minor. And I still plan on learning how to drive stick.

I think the excuses and the put-downs are thicker this time of the year. Valentine's Day is always sticky. It's incredibly girly, all that pink and red. There are those commercials with the women getting the shiny diamonds and chocolate. Shiny diamonds that equal societal expectations of perfect marriage, true love, and children. Chocolate, which tastes so good, yet makes us feel fat when we eat the entire box.

And while there's V-Day and Ensler's The Vagina Monologues, Valentine's Day is so incredibly ingrained in us. It's a cultural phenomena that we cannot get away from. Every day, we need to stick together, we need to remind each other just why we're special.

I want to hear stories from each of you about the women you love, the women who are your role models, the fictional women you're damn glad were written. I also want to hear what makes you special – from your greatest accomplishment to something you like about yourself.

I'll start us off by saying that I'm really proud of my mother.

Comments

[velvetwhip.livejournal.com]

I knew a girl named Shelly once (not my LJ pal, though she is amazing and wonderful, too). She was the bravest, strongest person I ever knew. I always thought she must have been what one of those really kick-ass saints was like. She endured more than anyone should ever have to, but with more grace and more purity and more grit than I ever believed possible. She's dead now, but she always inspires me. I wish everyone could meet her. She was special. Really, really special.


Gabrielle

[viciouswishes.livejournal.com]

Thank you for sharing. *hugs*

[velvetwhip.livejournal.com]

You'd have liked her. She was an outstanding person.


Gabrielle

[dramaturgca.livejournal.com]

My Aunt is the strongest woman I know. She's been fighting cancer for the last seven and a half years and in spite of the fact that she keeps getting worse diagnoses and her symptoms are increasingly debilitating, she never stops fighting. She looks for the next treatment, the next thing that could work.

[viciouswishes.livejournal.com]

My grandmother had cancer several years ago, so I know the harrow of how it ravages the human body and also just how resilent the human spirit can be.

Thank you for sharing.

[amaresu]

My sister. She's always been my role model. Not in the traditional sense of the term though. I mean she's done just about everything the rebellious teenager was supposed to do. She even got pregnate her senior year of high school. But through it all she's always been there for me. She's managed to make a life for herself. She's an excellent mother. She's the person I can look at and think, "No matter how bad it gets it can always get better." She's shown that I can do great things because she did. I'm really not doing her justice in this, but I don't wanna take up too much room.

As for me? I like that I'm honest with myself. Even when I'm not honest with the people around me I'm honest with myself. I've yet to have someone point out something they think of as a flaw and be suprised by it. Alternatively the same can be said for any praise that people give me. I know myself and I feel that is something to be proud of.

[viciouswishes.livejournal.com]

Non-traditional role models work just as well as traditional ones. I know that I'll have a role model for one thing, but not necessarily other ones. Especially when it comes to artists and authors, there are many I admire their work and their struggles, but would make some different choices for myself. Same with people. I also admire my grandma but would never have wanted to get engaged at 16 or live in South Dakota on a farm.

Honesty is a good trait. As you probably know, I try to employ it often. :)

[jennixen.livejournal.com]

I want to hear stories from each of you about the women you love, the women who are your role models, the fictional women you're damn glad were written. I also want to hear what makes you special – from your greatest accomplishment to something you like about yourself.

Such joy and positive vibes! You make me happy and I will think about this now. :)
*hugs*

[viciouswishes.livejournal.com]

Glad to get you thinking. *hugs*

[yin-again.livejournal.com]

My mom is a badass.

At the age of six, she followed another badass, her mother, as she led her three daughters in following a stranger through the woods. That man was a hired guide, and he brought them from East Germany to West Germany, a thing that was very illegal at the time.

At the age of twenty, she left an abusive marriage and went it alone, not exactly a popular move in the early 60's.

At twenty-three, she married a serviceman and left her home country for America, taking her clothes and her car and not much else.

She went to tech school and she became a mainfram programmer and she raised three daughters of her own and maintained a 35-year (and still going strong) marriage. She had her moments - menopause for one - when she was more ass than badass, but I figure she was entitled.

She's still the strongest woman I know, and I owe her everything.

My mom is a badass.

_

Than ks for the opportunity, E.

[viciouswishes.livejournal.com]

Well, thank you for sharing. I love reading about the strength of the human spirit, and we definitely all know a bunch of badass women. There seems to be so much forgotten history.

[sweptawaybayou.livejournal.com]

<3's you.

I am proud of my children, two of which are women. One, just in honorary status. *g*

They have excelled despite having me as their mother. They consistently amaze me with their drive for knowledge and their ambitions. They make me proud at the end of every day.

Their humor amuses me. They make do with what I can provide for them without complaint. They are my strength and my heart and they remind me when I am feeling as if I have nothing, just with a smile or a hug or a conversation ... that I have everything.

xoxo

[chrisleeoctaves.livejournal.com]

They have excelled despite having me as their mother
You do know that this is the *most* ridiculous thing you've ever said, right? Pffft.

You're an awesome mother. Awesome.

[viciouswishes.livejournal.com]

Now, no knocking yourself. Now you must quickly write down five great things about yourself. :)

Thanks for sharing.

[chrisleeoctaves.livejournal.com]

I've been surrounded by really wonderful women my whole life...a great mother whose attitude about life has always been: you can do whatever you put your mind to and two grandmothers who were supportive and loving in all the best grandmother ways.

I watch my mom with my own daughter...how she drops everything to bake cupcakes or sew a doll's dress...and I think of the time I spent with her mother (my grandmother) and it makes me feel more grateful than I could ever express in words.

At the end of the day- family is the single most important thing in life...and I mean family in the greater sense...the people you love regardless of their biological connection.

So, stands to reason that the women here in fandom have a special place in my heart.

[viciouswishes.livejournal.com]

Thanks for sharing. I also have a close relationship with my grandma so I know how important that bond is.

Yes, the women in fandom definitely stand out as some of the bravest and awesome women I've ever known.

[starlight1221.livejournal.com]

I don't know if I have a role model per se who is real. My mom is my best friend, but for role models, I've always tended to go with the fictional.

I can remember when I was...13? And I went to get my hair cut, exactly like Ro Laren's. And I bought a big red headband and the bajoran earring. I've always loved Ro Laren and B'Elanna and now Kira Nerys. They're strong but sensitive, willing to show their anger and frustration but can be gentle and caring and able to smile. They stand up for themselves and don't change themselves to fit in. And they all got to sex up some hot men. :)

[viciouswishes.livejournal.com]

*nods* They were all characters who I was glad to grow up with. I had Tasha Yar hair when I was 11. :) The major character for me was Ivanova from B5. Not only was she a tough woman in charge, she also liked women (text, not subtext) and when I was 12/13 and dealing with my own sexuality, including finding her hot, it was a huge help. *wonders why I don't have an icon of her*

My DS9 fav was also Jadzia.

[bandgeek.livejournal.com]

My aunt left an abusive marriage last year. Because we were afraid that he would continue to follow her and harass her, we concealed her place of residence from him, and my grandfather temporarily put her new house in his name so that she could get through the divorce first.

But the amazing thing? My aunt, who had never done martial arts in her life, went out and got a black belt in Tae Kwon Do. As she explains it, she never has to be afraid of him (or anyone else) again, because she could snap his neck.

-----

All of my friends, including the Livejournal ones, constantly remind me that women are strong and beautiful. They counteract all the negative messages that the world throws at us. They remind me never to compromise.

-----

What makes me special? I'm stubborn, opinionated, and compassionate. I'm not afraid to push boundaries. One of my goals in life is to get arrested for doing something that's within my constitutional rights.

[viciouswishes.livejournal.com]

Thank you for sharing. That's wonderful about your aunt.

I'm definitely thankful for lj friends and how they question everything thought about women.

That's a great goal, IMO. :)

[gentle-thorns.livejournal.com]

There is no one women i look up to. All the women i know seem so strong and amazing to me. I mean, even my boss who i don't really like has been through so much and come out intact.

I have no clue how my mum kept it all together when she left my dad and had to give up her job to bring me and my sister up. I mean, i never felt poor, but i know how close we came to having nothing at the end of each month and i know how hard things were for her. I admire her so much for that.

I admire you and all my female friends for everything that they are. I'm even a little proud of myself.

Most of all, i know how lucky i am to have such incredible people in my life.

[viciouswishes.livejournal.com]

Awe. You should always have a little self-loving. I mean...

Thanks for sharing.

[gingerannef.livejournal.com]

I admire my best friend. Her parents divorced when she was little, her stepmom wasn't the most pleasant woman around, and her dad was an abusive alcoholic. She came to live with me during high school and while we drove each other nuts sometimes, we have become closer because of it. She is always so strong and independent and beautiful, and she is the most creative and talented person I know. I will always admire her for her fearlessness and love for life and willingness to learn everything about the people and places that surround her.

[viciouswishes.livejournal.com]

It's funny how best friends are so much family that they drive you insane, but you love them just the same. When lornelover and I shared a room, we about killed each other (and Ethan), but I think it's a testiment to our friendship that we're still close.

Thanks for sharing.

[geki.livejournal.com]

I'm proud of Lisa for being who she is today, despite life giving her some crappy breaks, for constantly amazing me with her mind, her body, and her being.

I'm proud of you for being one of the most astounding people I have the privilege of calling my friend. Your intelligence always keeps me in awe, particularly when you are in full stride about something in which you have a strong passion.

I was (until about 18 months ago) proud of my mother for fighting to where she is now, having started out as a kitchen porter in Switzerland and, in just 30 years, becoming the manager of a succesful educational unit at a college.

I'm proud of knowing so many strong, beautiful women and being some small part of their lives.

And I don't think I'm able to answer the "what makes you special" question, as I'm not (gender-identity issues aside) a woman.

[viciouswishes.livejournal.com]

Part of my talk about women you love was to include you not women. ;)

Yes, Lisa is an awesome woman.

Awe. Thanks, hon. *hugs*

[geki.livejournal.com]

*snuggles*

I'm not special, really, so I could be here for a very long time trying to answer that, so I'll just leave it at *meep*

[moonlettuce.livejournal.com]

My mum. She got pregnant at 17, only to have the lad turn around and say "And?" She raised me with the knowledge that I can be what and who I want to be.

Throughout my entire life she has never judged, has never condemned, has only ever been concerned about whether or not something made me happy.

We've argued and we've fought and we've shouted, and there is no one I would rather have in my life than her.

[viciouswishes.livejournal.com]

Thank you for sharing. :)

[moonlettuce.livejournal.com]

This was too good an idea not to. I think that sometimes it pays to remember that a lot of the women around us have been through some hard times and they're all the stronger for it :)

[shakegirl.livejournal.com]

I am proud of my mom. She has been there for me even when she had a whole lot going on. And by a whole lot I mean that she works full time (if you include most Saturday's as full time), is going back to school to finally get her college degree and still does volunteers for the church on a weekly basis. She is one crazy-busy woman, but can still answer the phone and tell me that I am beautiful and perfect even if I get a B on a paper.

I consider myself one of the lucky ones. I grew up with at least three people that could be considered a mother in the social sense and all of them were incredibly strong women. On top of that I have known many other women my age and older who have taught me that the most important part of me is that I AM me, and by God(dess) that's fantastic.

And as for Valentines Day, being in the Vagina Monologues, I am proud to say that I have found myself in a group of "hot, happy, not-takin' shit, vaginas." Those 19 ladies are the best Valentine's day companions that any girl could ask for.

[shakegirl.livejournal.com]

Oops. To clarify on Working most saturday's part, I mean that my mom works six days a week usually.

[viciouswishes.livejournal.com]

And she got us awesome food. That's why I think your mom rocks.

I find it's always key when your mom can make you feel better when you're down.

That's awesome.

Thanks for sharing.

[lettered.livejournal.com]

I love this post.

In my family, Valentine's Day has always been about loving family and friends; I guess because my parents hated to leave us out of anything (they just plain like us). We always used to exchange cards and gifts and have steak for dinner, and nothing's really changed. So, loving on the women in our lives and loving on ourselves is so great to me.

My mom is the most amazing woman I've ever met. Not only is she a fabulous mom, but she's an amazing teacher who touches the lives of some people I'd've probably already judged (so very wrongly) as lost causes.

Thanks for this post. It's lovely reading the replies.

[viciouswishes.livejournal.com]

That's cool. My mom always got me and my two younger brothers treats on Valentine's Day when we were kids. I think that I'd have less issues with the day if it wasn't so focused on couples.

Thank you for sharing. Yes, I'm also enjoying reading everyone's posts.

[dedra.livejournal.com]

Oh, there are so very many....
My mother, who loved her children with all her heart, and showed it with every moment she lived...
My grandmother, who had an 8th-grade education, never had two cents to rub together, and was, to me, the richest woman alive--she never turned a stranger away from her door, gave everything she could to her fellow-person, and was the wisest person I have ever known, in human relations and common sense, as well as self-taught book learning, holding jobs as managers, accountants, and lumberjack(!)...
My girlfriend/wife/lover/significant other, who works like a dervish despite crippling pain that would cause a lesser person to demand disability and drugs galore....
My baby sister, who has become one of the best, most dedicated mothers despite childhood traumas, divorce, plus the loss of her 1 month old child to SIDS, and her courage in the face of unspeakable pain....
Strong female characters in books and film, such as Buffy, Anita Blake, Eve Dallas, and Priscilla Delacroix, who give me the knowledge that you don't have to have a man to be complete--although for some women, they can be a complement to your strengths....
Women like Margaret Cammermeyer, Ellen Degeneres, Rosie O'Donnell, and Melissa Etheridge, who showed me that it's okay to make the choices that I have in living the life that is right for me, because it doesn't matter who you love, but how you love....
My children, both the one of my body and the three belonging to my partner, all girls, who have accepted our choice to be together and stand up for us everyday in the face of an ignorant society....

As for me? I'm proud that I'm a nurse who cares deeply for her patients, who fought the system and made my way through college despite the odds against me as an older student; that I have been and will continue to write and attempt to satisfy a longstanding dream of being a published author; and that I'm strong enough to be "out" in a world that doesn't always understand or approve of my choices, and to live in a country where I have the freedom to make those choices...and that I found the love of my life...which is sometimes more than most people ever can hope for.

[viciouswishes.livejournal.com]

That's a wonderful list. Thank you so much for sharing. As a queer woman in my early 20s, I definitely appreciate those who have come out before me and can be role models for myself.

[dedra.livejournal.com]

Even more amazing, and something that I didn't share...

My daughter decided when she was 13 that she was "a lavender lady"--PLU, or people like us, in teenspeak--she came out at the tender age of fifteen, to her entire high school, fighting for gay and lesbian rights to ask the partner of her choice to homecoming. She has truly been a beacon to those who are unsure of their orientation, supportive and understanding to those who question their sexuality, answering questions from the curious, and educating not only fellow students, but her teachers as well about being gay in a straight society...
I guess the reason that I'm proud of her is because I always knew that I was gay--I just never had the courage or strength to fight for what I knew was right for me. I followed along, trying to suppress feelings that were against the grain until I reached my mid twenties. I admire her for her conviction, that no matter who she is with, they should be acceptable to society because it is her choice and nobody else's--and that is the way it should be. I admire her strength and her ability to stand tall and proud despite all the slings and arrows she has had to field in her short life because she is different...and I am so proud of her, just for being able to stand up and say, "This is me"...in fifteen days, she'll be eighteen...and I know already, she will make a great mark on this world somehow. She already has, even though she may not realize it.

[dedra.livejournal.com]

BTW--I friended you--just because of the thoughtful and interesting nature of this post...thank you for making us think about the ones who love us and raise us and make us who we are--the women in our lives...because women seldom realize how much influence they have until too late in life to do anything about it. Looking forward to reading your posts....

[viciouswishes.livejournal.com]

New friends are always good. I'm glad you enjoyed this post because I definitely enjoyed reading everyone's answers.

[viciouswishes.livejournal.com]

Thank you for adding this. I came out when I was 16, so I'm definitely familiar with the type of action it takes to be out in high school. It's also great to see the generational change between you and your daughter; it gives hope that things are getting better when larger world changes seem to take forever.

more on the mom-love

[my_daroga]

I was invited by tkp

And I've never had fictional female role models; I've always been pretty guy-oriented when it came to friends and heros. I am a lot more like my dad than my mom. But my mom. My mom is amazing.

Over the years, she's never let being a mom get in the way of a varied and interesting career, and she's never let her career get in the way of being a mom. My folks waited ten years before having children so they could work in a halfway house for runaway girls, march against Vietnam, hitchhike around Europe, and put each other through college. She stayed home with us for long enough, then became a state representative in New Hampshire for 6 years. Since then she's done lots of nonprofit stuff, including being Director of Big Sisters of Rhode Island for many years. So in that way, she's shown me that one doesn't have to choose one life and stick to it; you can change and grow *and* take your family with you.

But what I respect the most, now that I'm older, now that I'm faced by actual life-dramas, is that I can tell her anything at all and no matter how terrified I am of telling her certain things, she is invariably understanding and accepting. My family is sometimes rather morally strict, especially for Unitarian hippies, but I have told her things that I needed to say but that I thought I'd die saying and she's always just taken it in, given me love, and made me feel better about myself and her for having the conversation.

Re: more on the mom-love

[viciouswishes.livejournal.com]

Thank you for sharing about your relationship with your mother. I've so loved reading these stories.

Re: more on the mom-love

[my_daroga]

That's for inviting them. It was good for me.

[crazydiamondsue.livejournal.com]

I love women. I love men, too, but I've always loved women on a deeper level of connection from my Mom to every best friend friend I've had (whether they became former friends or not.)

I am proud of my RL friend Michele (one of the few not in fandom.) She married at 17, divorced at 18, remarried at 19, divorced and remarried a final time. She was told her entire life (growing up in small town Oklahoma) that she wasn't smart and not *that* pretty, so the best she could hope for would to be to find some man to take care of her. And that she should kiss his ass, no matter what, so that he wouldn't leave. She never had the academic success I had or the mother behind the scenes telling her girls could be anything they strived for.

She just started college for the first time this year at 37 and the girl who just a few years ago was ashamed that she couldn't spell intelligence now has a 4.0 and just recently debated me on Pres. Clinton's college Vietnam protests. Even though I argued her toe-to-toe and completely disagreed with her stance, the fact that she wanted to debate, had her facts in a row and wasn't going to give ground and had the courage to call me on my blind beliefs made me happier than I have words.

This is a wonderful thing, sweetie. Thanks for posting it.

[viciouswishes.livejournal.com]

Thank you for sharing. That's so wonderful about your friend going to college.