viciouswishes: (vala confident)
[personal profile] viciouswishes
Title: Cylon Basestars and Other Thievery
Author: viciouswishes
Beta: Jason
For: meeshy
Fandom: BSG/SG-1
Pairing: Kara Thrace/Vala Mal Doran
Rating: NC17
Setting: Sometime BSG S3 and SG-1 S10
Words: 1759
Request: Crossover with BSG, Vala steals a ship...
Summary: For [ profile] sg_femslash (back-up back-up fic), Vala can't be a Cylon, especially if she doesn't know what one is.

"I am not a Cylon. I don't even know what a Cylon is." Vala sits on an uncomfortable metal chair in an interrogation room. It's certainly not the first time she's been in this situation, and she's finding she's not very fond of her interrogator: a Lieutenant Kara Thrace.

"Then how did you get a Cylon ship? A frakking basestar," Kara says. "Last time I checked, the Cylons weren't exactly giving them away."

Vala squirms. She twists her hands even though she knows it won't do any good against the bindings around her wrists. "Well, they didn't exactly give it to me."

"It was already yours because you're a Cylon." Kara keeps insisting she's something called a Cylon. Vala deduces that the Cylons were the people she stole the ship from and that Kara doesn't like these Cylons. Silly tribal wars.

"No, I'm not," Vala repeats.

"We know there are five more models out there."

"Are they super models or just the regular kind? Do you have cable here because I'm missing the next episode of Janice Dickinson's Modeling Agency? Daniel says those girls are airheads and that I'm rotting my brain watching it, but I find it entertaining. Not all of us can be obsessed with reading Ancient texts."

"Shut the frak up. You'll answer my question."


Wormholes were always a problem. If Sam was with her, she'd give Vala some long explanation about sun flares, hyperspace, or pockets of time. Frankly, Vala doesn't care. Instead she makes her way onto a ship and steals it.

It isn't hard when they aren't expecting it.

That and a man with spiky blond hair acts like he's frightened of her. Weird. The only time she even drew her gun was to shoot an old man before he shot her.

"So how does this thing work?" Vala says to the empty ship. Maybe she should've kept around some of those identical twins to steer.

After she figures out how to fly it, she's redecorating. Clearly, these people had no sense of style with their stark white walls and blinking red lights. She's seen more interesting patterns on an Asgard's butt.

"The tides are changing, Vala. Lost one."

Vala pulls her gun and turns around. She doesn't see anyone. "Hello? Who's there?"

"Interface. See the stars together."

She walks around the console. It must be talking to her: one of those interactive computers like on Star Trek. "I want to go to Earth. Do you know where Earth is?"

"All of this has happened before and will happen again."

Great. If the computer can't figure this one out that means she's going to have to do a little star charting herself. Boring. Vala wishes Daniel was here with her or Sam. Sam's really good at that stuff. "I'll draw you a map."


"Hello," Vala says, peeking into a room on Galactica. "Can any of you point me towards the mess hall?"

"I thought you locked the bulkhead?" Tigh, who's still drunk, glares toward Tyrol and Anders.

Tory points to Vala. "She's number five. That's the only explanation for why she's here. She's the last model."

"Have you been hearing music?" Tyrol asks.

"Yeah." Anders starts to hum. "Does that sound familiar?"

Vala looks around the room for an escape. Clearly, these people are crazy. Either that are they're plotting something. Maybe if they believe she's on their side. "Sing it to me again."

Tory and Tigh try a few of the lyrics. Vala flinches. Even the rituals of P2X-416, which sounded like an elephant mating with a cat, sounded better.

Vala clears her throat. "Sounds like a bad rendition of Dylan."

Anders starts to move toward her. "Who?"

"Dylan," Vala says again. She starts reaching for the knife she's hidden up her sleeve. "Bob Dylan. Earth folk writer. My friend Cam has a fondness for his music. Personally, I find it a little dry. I'm more into something with a beat like Outkast or Kylie Minogue. Who doesn't love a tiny pop star from Australia?"

"You're the fifth one," Tyrol says. "You must be here to guide us back to Earth."

"Yes." Tory's now getting a little too close. At least Tigh's staying away.

Vala shrinks back. "If I tell you that I'm number five, will you let me go get my dinner?"


"Just because the Old Man trusts you, doesn't mean I do," Kara says. "You might've been to Earth-"

"And given you my ship," Vala adds. The ship was growing on her and now she had to hitch a ride with what was left of the Twelve Colonies. Whatever those were. No one ever bothered explaining these things to Vala. She should be used to it by now, considering her time on Earth. But at least they had cable. All these people have are weirdly-shaped playing cards.

Kara crosses her arms. "Not without a fight."

"It was my ship," Vala says and sees Kara's hand move to her weapon. "Borrowed ship. Would you give up your ship without a fight?"

"Point taken."

"So are you just going to follow me around all day?" Vala asks. "Speaking of fights, I heard there was going to be a good one today."

"The Old Man's organized a boxing match. To relieve our stress."

"I can think of other ways to relieve your stress." Vala grins and adjusts one of her pigtails. "If you're interested."

"I'm not," Kara says, stepping away from Vala. She looks uncomfortable and that doesn't bother Vala. Kara will be back. In the meantime, Vala's hoping there'll be some blood spilled in the ring.


Vala finds a woman covered in goo and hooked directly into the machinery. She'd seen the goo pools before, but all of them were empty. This one is different. This one talks to her. It is the ship. Or at least what runs it.

The glaring lights give Vala a headache and she doesn't even have a simple med kit. She'd give up her favorite hairdryer for an Advil.

She wakes up, delirious, next to the pool with the ship-woman. Vala's mouth is dry, like she's been drinking all night, only without the fun of inappropriately hitting on her drinking buddy.

Especially since her current drinking buddy didn't seem capable of doing anything but shifting in her goo and driving the ship.

"The Twelve Colonies breach the stars," the ship says.

"What are the Twelve Colonies?" Vala asks. If any luck, the Twelve Colonies will be a five-star resort with a massage parlor and sauna. She could also use a new mani-pedi. Maybe in a nice teal color.

"Humanity. Our parents."

"Right." Vala considers the Twelve Colonies might have better lighting and pain pills. They also might have company or a way back to Earth. "Well, I wouldn't mind meeting humanity. Can I talk to them?"


Vala runs into Kara in the unisex bathrooms. Unisex bathrooms are perhaps Vala's favorite feature of the Galactica, all the hard-bodied officers half-naked or more. "You looked fucked," Vala says, washing her hands.

"It's frakked." Kara tosses her wet towel into the laundry. "Like I don't care where the frak you used to live, I still think you're a frakking toaster."

Vala crosses her arms and blocks Kara from moving out of the bathroom. "So if I was to say, 'Want to frak?'"

"I might say, 'No frakking way.'" Kara glares at her.

"But you could say, 'Right frakking now.'" Vala grins because she can see the ice in Kara's eye breaking. Ice is always slippery and ready to melt. "Because you frakking need this. You need to look reality in the eye and frak it."

"And you're my reality?"

"I can be for now," Vala says. "I think I know of a place or two."

Ships like Galactica are full of hidden spaces; Vala's been stuck in a few over her time. Hidden corners also make great spots to peel off her former interrogator's pants and finger fuck -- frak her.

Kara's quieter than Vala would like, but she soon learns Kara holds back her moans until the last possible second. Until the build-up becomes too much and Kara boils over. She comes with fingers digging into Vala's arms.

"Now that's more like it," Vala says. She goes to open her mouth again, but Kara mouth's on hers. It's not a soft kiss; it's precise and sharp like a stab to the gut or a truism in a world of lies.

Vala lays down on the hard, steel grate as Kara goes down on her. Kara's got a need, and Vala's more than happy to twist, squirm, and orgasm again and again. This is all the debauchery that the SGC could never afford.

When they're done, they lay next to each other, shoulder to shoulder. Vala knows better than to make any romantic gestures or snuggling. "You don't really think I'm a Cylon, do you?" she asks Kara.

"No," Kara says, "but you were on their ship."


"So what do you think?" Vala asks Daniel. She twirls around on the stool in his office. "I think he'll really like it."

"Or Martin's going to be sued by the lovely people at Universal." Daniel turns the page of another ancient tablet instead of reading the movie specs Vala brought with her. "And you made yourself the Final Cylon."

Vala sighs. Once again, she's foiled by popularity. If only Martin had bought into her take-off on Farscape. "You've seen Battlestar Galactica?"

"Teal'c has made everyone on the base watch it twice."

Damn Teal'c and his love of all things sci-fi and the sharing of that love. At least movie nights never end as badly as that one time he took her to ride a mechanical bull. "Teal'c really has a thing for that Xena woman. Even if she's a robot and not a warrior princess in that one." Vala leans her hands on the table in a way that pushes up her cleavage.

"Like you should talk." Daniel doesn't look up from his tablet.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Vala would make a noise and give an innocent look, but Daniel never seems to buy them. That's perhaps one of her favorite qualities about him. Not that she'd ever share that.

"It means you recounted some pretty hot-n-heavy scenes between you and a certain Viper pilot."

"Sex always draws an audience." Vala moves a little closer to Daniel. "Are you a little jealous of me and Starbuck, Daniel? Or do you want to join in?"

on 2008-04-15 11:49 am (UTC)
ext_2034: (woman who fell from the sky)
Posted by [identity profile]
Hah! I like the way you incorporated the final five into this, and have Starbuck as interrogator. Plus Vala's ALWAYS fun. Good stuff!

on 2008-04-18 11:54 pm (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile]
Thank you. Vala is always a ton of fun to write. She just kind of takes over. I was sitting there looking at Vala's plot holes and then reminded myself just who was narrating. :)

on 2008-04-15 01:02 pm (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile]
Frakking hilarious! "Teal'c has made everyone on the base watch it twice." Awesome.

on 2008-04-18 11:55 pm (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile]
Thank you.

He so would. *g*

on 2008-04-15 02:57 pm (UTC)
trialia: River Song (Alex Kingston) drinking a cup of coffee. (Default)
Posted by [personal profile] trialia
*giggles herself to death* I LOVE IT. Seriously. ♥ *is now thinking about the possibility of Vala seducing Laura, and might even try to write it...*

on 2008-04-18 11:55 pm (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile]
Thank you.

Hee, that would be a good one too. Vala would bring some much needed humor to BSG. Love the show, but it needs more humor.

on 2008-04-18 11:58 pm (UTC)
trialia: River Song (Alex Kingston) drinking a cup of coffee. (Default)
Posted by [personal profile] trialia
Anytime. Thanks for adding me back again, btw... I'm sorry if I sounded a little whiny, I was having a really bad day just there. *hugs*

Agreed. Though the flirting does make me smile.

on 2008-04-24 04:46 am (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile]
No worries. Just a clean up and I know I haven't quite connected you with your new lj name.

on 2008-04-24 12:57 pm (UTC)
trialia: River Song (Alex Kingston) drinking a cup of coffee. (Default)
Posted by [personal profile] trialia
Ah, I see. Well, thank you! :) I decided it was time I altered my LJ name as it's one of the few usernames I had that didn't reflect the name I use everywhere else. Now it does. :)

on 2008-04-16 07:56 am (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile]
Heheheh. Hee. That's awesome. I've always sort of assumed Vala would write self-insert fanfic porn...

on 2008-04-18 11:56 pm (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile]
Thank you. Yes, yes, she would. *g*

on 2008-04-17 08:57 am (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile]
OMG! Thank you! This was totally worth the wait, Vala as the final cylon! Loved the twist at the end, and can totally imagine Teal'c making everyone watch BSG at least twice *grins* Thank you!!!

on 2008-04-19 12:00 am (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile]
You're welcome. She's kicking ass and taking names as the Final Cylon. ;) He so would. Glad you enjoyed it.

on 2008-04-24 05:14 am (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile]
*snorts* Vala would so write that kinda fanfiction/script. Nicely twisted at the end there. :)

on 2008-05-05 03:26 am (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile]
Thank you. She definitely would. That's why she's awesome. :)

on 2008-04-28 04:33 pm (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile]
This just makes me grin from ear to ear - the ultimate compare and contrast of the two shows. How SG-1 is a fluffy bunny compared to the gritty and tough BSG, but in the end, maybe the gritty and tough are just toe over the line into fucking fraking drama queen ;-)

And like there was any doubt that Vala would write herself in as the final model!

on 2008-05-09 09:20 pm (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile]
Thank you for the lovely feedback. SG-1 really is fluffy and not serious enough as compared to BSG being too serious and not enough fluff. Which is why I advocate crossovers or the resurrection of Ellen.

She totally would. :)

on 2011-01-07 11:21 pm (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile]
This was brilliant! So funny and sexy and perfectly in-character for Vala :)

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